How Low Can You Go?

Right-sizing your expectations to discover the peace you actually want.

"What mountain are you climbing right now?" the motivational speaker's voice echoed through the hushed conference room. "What's the big goal you're pursuing? How will you summon your courage to reach the summit?"

I grabbed my phone and fired off a quick text to my husband: "The speaker just asked about our big goals, and for the first time in my life... I don't have any. And you know what? It feels amazing."

Two years ago, I would've considered this goalless state a personal crisis.

I'm what you might call a recovering goal junkie. My goal-setting addiction started early – picture an earnest elementary schooler clutching her weekly planner, dutifully checking in with her dad (a devoted disciple of Stephen Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People"). Through high school, college, and into motherhood, I was that person – the one with color-coded vision boards and meticulously tracked objectives. Goals were one of my love languages.

Ironically, it was a big goal – completing my master's degree – that landed me in that conference room at the University of Pennsylvania. There I sat among fellow alumni from my Positive Psychology program, listening to cutting-edge research, including my classmate's presentation on courage, of all things.

So how did this goal-setting guru end up finding peace in having no specific targets? Let me share a little secret: I learned to lower the bar. Not in a giving-up way, but in a life-changing "oh-wait-this-actually-feels-amazing" way.

Let me take you on a quick journey.

Back in the 70’s, a psychology researcher (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi) developed a famous theory of something he called “Flow”. We all know that blissful state where time disappears – maybe it hits you when you're painting, deep in a good book, or lost in conversation with your best friend. But here's the plot twist most people miss: you can actually hack your flow state by adjusting the challenge level.

Think of it like a video game. Start at level 1, you're bored. Jump straight to level 50, and you're toast. But find that sweet spot where the challenge matches your skills? That's where the magic happens.

Let's be real – how many women do you know in midlife who are complaining about boredom? (I'll wait.) We're more likely drowning in to-do lists, juggling family demands, and wondering when we last had a full night's sleep.

So, I started experimenting. I began lowering the bar in strategic ways:

- Embraced the inevitable mess of a house with five humans and four fur babies

- Released my tight grip on my kids' one-size-fits-all academic and social journeys

- Traded the self-employment hustle for a stable full-time job

- Recruited my kids as amateur chefs to help with mealtimes (hello, simple cookbooks!)

- Gave myself permission to tackle house projects at a tortoise pace (and leave things unfinished for weeks on end…)

I know what you're thinking. So much of what we usually hear screams "Raise the bar!" "Push harder!" "Dream bigger!" But what if all that striving is just creating a hamster wheel of stress, keeping us running toward some mythical future happiness while today's joy slips through our fingers?

Don't get me wrong – I haven't sworn off goals for life. But this sabbatical from constant striving? It's like finally exhaling after holding my breath for years.

Here's my question for you: Are you overwhelmed or bored?

If you're in the overwhelmed camp, maybe it's time to lower that bar:

- Ask for help

- Hit pause on that project

- Take the shortcut (gasp!)

- Actually sit down

- Book that babysitter

- Delegate like a boss

- Just. Breathe.

- Sleep in (yes, really)

- Slow. Down.

And if you're one of the rare midlife unicorns who's actually bored? First, teach me your ways. Second, maybe it's time to spice things up a bit with a new hobby.

I've been marinating in hustle culture since before I knew what hustle meant. Maybe you have too. But here's what I'm learning: sometimes the most courageous thing we can do is lower our expectations and find joy in the simple act of being exactly who we are today.

Sure, someday soon I'll be struck by lightning-bolt inspiration for a new challenge. When that happens, I'll dust off my goal-setting skills and dive in.

But for now? I'm perfectly content with my lowered bar and surprisingly elevated joy.

I'm curious – how's your flow these days? Are your challenges and skills playing nice together? Could some adjusting create more breathing room in your life?

Drop me a note. I'd love to hear your story.

XO, Miranda